Progress: good or bad?

Given:

Do you agree or disagree that progress is always good? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The Sample Essay Draft Step by Step

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.

My progress is neither good nor bad, and if it seems good, that's just an illusion.

2. Generate supportive body topics.

I grew up from baby-hood, but I am no better than I was as a baby--I could even be worse. Every bit of technology that came into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier. In my life, progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward.

3. Develop body details.

I grew up from baby-hood, but I am no better than I was as a baby. Sure, all I could do at first was lay there on my back and marvel at the red, yellow, and blue plastic fish dangling above my crib. Now I can drive a car all the way to Florida. But as a baby, I was all about fascination and people relieving my pains. I was happy with my life and blissfully ignorant of my cruel world.

Every bit of technology that came into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier. Clothes made me more sensitive to cold. Shoes deformed my feet and made my walk unnatural. Toys addicted me to more toys. TV substituted its dreams for my own. Crayons helped me reduce the world to a dozen colors.

In my life, progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward. For example, even though a hot bath feels like I am returning to the womb, a cold shower will toughen me better for the cold cruel world. Even though I can get across a crushed stone driveway faster in shoes, trying it barefoot brings every part of my body below my knees back to life. Playing with plants and animals I can eat sustains me in ways that tennis rackets and Candy Crush Saga cannot. The less I watch TV, the more my mind becomes my own TV. And the TV of my mind consists of trillions of colors.

4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.

I grew up from baby-hood, but I am no better than I was as a baby. Sure, all I could do at first was lay there on my back and marvel at the red, yellow, and blue plastic fish dangling above my crib. Now I can drive a car all the way to Florida. But as a baby, I was all about fascination and people relieving my pains. I was happy with my life and blissfully ignorant of my cruel world. (My body was primed for conquering that world, and if the plastic fish and plaster ceiling weren't there, I would have marveled at the sky.)

(But the fish and ceiling were there. And,) every bit of technology that came into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier. Clothes made me more sensitive to cold. Shoes deformed my feet and made my walk unnatural (me walk funny and fall down a lot). Toys addicted me to more toys. TV substituted its dreams for my own. Crayons helped me reduce the world to a dozen colors. (By the time I was five, I already had dozens of lessons to unlearn.)

In my life, progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward. For example, even though a hot bath feels like I am returning to the womb, a cold shower will toughen me better for the cold cruel world. Even though I can get across a crushed stone driveway faster in shoes, trying it barefoot brings every part of my body below my knees back to life. Playing with plants and animals I can eat sustains me in ways that tennis rackets and Candy Crush Saga cannot. The less I watch TV, the more my mind becomes my own TV. And the TV of my mind consists of trillions of colors. (By the time I was fifty, I had finally unlearned those dozens of lessons.)

5. Formulate thesis sentence.

Since I was a baby, every bit of technology in the name of progress that has come into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier, and for me the kind of progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward.

6. Draft introduction.

Have you ever felt betrayed by human progress? I've grown to always feel this way. Since I was a baby, every bit of technology in the name of progress that has come into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier, and for me the kind of progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward.

7. Draft conclusion.

I've made so much human progress in my life thanks to technology that I am too far ahead to remember myself without it. Oh, I can see a detail here and there, like how much more sense it often makes to use a broom or a rake than a leaf blower. Or how much even more sense it often makes to leave some decomposing matter right where it falls. And I have enough knowledge and experience to know that the noble savage is nothing but a myth and that my own progress is neither good nor bad, and if it seems good, that's just an illusion.

8. Proofread.

Have you ever felt betrayed by human progress? I've grown to always feel this way. Since I was a baby, every bit of technology in the name of progress that has come into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier, and for me the kind of progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward.

I grew up from baby-hood, but I am no better than I was as a baby. Sure, all I could do at first was lay there on my back and marvel at the red, yellow, and blue plastic fish dangling above my crib. Now I can drive a car all the way to Florida. But as a baby, I was all about fascination and people relieving my pains. I was happy with my life and blissfully ignorant of my cruel world. My new body was primed for conquering that world, and if the plastic fish and plaster ceiling weren't there, I would have marveled at the sky.

But the fish and ceiling were there. And,) every bit of technology that has since come into my life has made me physically weaker and mentally crazier. Clothes made me more sensitive to cold. Shoes deformed my feet and made my me walk funny and fall down a lot. Toys addicted me to more toys. TV substituted its dreams for my own. Crayons helped me reduce the world to a dozen colors. By the time I was five, I already had dozens of lessons to unlearn.

In my life, progress that steps backward is often better than progress that steps forward. For example, even though a hot bath feels like I am returning to the womb, a cold shower will toughen me better for the cold cruel world. Even though I can get across a crushed stone driveway faster in shoes, trying it barefoot brings every part of my body below my knees back to life. Playing with plants and animals I can eat sustains me in ways that tennis rackets and Candy Crush Saga cannot. The less I watch TV, the more my mind becomes my own TV. And the TV of my mind consists of trillions of colors. By the time I was fifty, I had finally unlearned those dozens of lessons.

I've made so much human progress in my life thanks to technology, however, that I am too far ahead to remember myself without it. Oh, I can see a detail here and there, like how much more sense it often makes to use a broom or a rake than a leaf blower. Or how much even more sense it often makes to leave some decomposing matter right where it falls. And I have enough knowledge and experience to know that the noble savage is nothing but a myth and that my own progress is neither good nor bad, and if it seems good, that's just an illusion.

Which comes first: grammar, mechanics, or composition? Part 1

Woody Allen once said: I'm not afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Why instead didn't he say: I don't want to attend the death of myself, but that does not mean I am afraid of it?

Is it true that only one way exists to express any idea?

• Or, is it: There is only one way to express any idea?
• Or: To express any idea, there is only one way?
• Or: To express any idea, only one way exists?
• Or: To express any idea, one way exists only?

What is going on here? Given that each of the various ways to express an idea is grammatically correct, how do I know which way is the best? Let's say I have a problem I want to state well. After all, Charles Kettering once said: A problem well stated is a problem half solved. But Mr. Kettering makes no mention of a problem's greater context. From education and experience, I would venture to add: A problem well defined is a problem well stated. So, toward the perfect expression of a problem or any idea, before I overly concern myself with the grammar and mechanics of my sentences, I need to understand the relationship between the parts and the whole: my sentences and their context.

Let's take a closer look at the word, define. What may be a surprise to some is that the secondary meaning of DEFINE reveals the secret of stating a problem well: to mark out the boundaries or limits of something. So, before a problem can be well stated, the stater must have a very clear idea of the problem's scope. (How to have a very clear idea of the scope of a problem is beyond the scope of this article, but discussion of it can be found at a future link, here.)

The scope of some problems requires a good deal more than one isolated sentence. One obvious example is this article's central problem: Given that each of the various ways to express an idea is grammatically correct, how do I know which way is the best?

While seeking the words to address this problem, I needed to “write around” it for awhile. I drafted some sentences to lead up to it, and I drafted some sentences to follow it. I was brainstorming. I wasn't yet even aware of when I had arrived at the place where my central problem would be stated. As I brainstormed, I didn't make too much of a fuss about grammar and mechanics. Rather, I merely kept in mind that the structure of any sentence depends both on the relative importance of the details in it, and on the ideas expressed in the sentences that come before and after it. So, I wasn't ready to tweak my grammar and mechanics until I had adequately marked out the boundaries or limits of my problem. In other words, for larger works of exposition, in the composing and revising process, attention to organization of all ideas should precede attention to grammar and mechanics.

But first, for the sake of simplicity, let's talk about sentences that appear in isolation. These are rare, but they are iconically important. I am talking about proverbial sentences, known as maxims, aphorisms, or wise sayings. The structure of these sentences depends on the relative importance and function of the details inside them. Let's define our terms here. The term, structure, may bring to mind the order of the words. It may also bring to mind the choice of the words. But, perhaps more importantly, structure can be behind the music of a sentence, its melody and rhythm. And it can be behind the desired impact on the mind of the perceiver.

Let's look again at Mr. Allen's words of wisdom: I'm not afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens. And, let's compare it to the alternative phrasing: I don't want to attend the death of myself, but that does not mean I am afraid of it. Even short constructions such as the ones above must bow to the authority of literary and rhetorical devices. Devices (more found at external link) relevant to Mr. Allen's quote are: 1) cadence, 2) irony or paradox, 3) suspense, 4) syntax, 5) tone, and 6) tragicomedy.

1. cadence: Mr. Allen's version makes use of two commonly heard expressions: afraid to die, and don't want to be there. Effectively, the timing for his delivery therefore can be quick and the impact percussive. The alternative version makes use of an awkwardly unusual phrase: attend the death of myself. This awkwardness causes the loss of the momentum that is needed for the audience to have the aha experience of the irony in the punchline.
2. irony or paradox: Mr. Allen sequences his details so that first his audience is set up to be knocked over by his punchline. His audience first visualizes his sudden death. Perhaps they see him splat onto a sidewalk from great heights, or in his deathbed exhaling his last breath. While the dying image is fresh in mind, Mr. Allen delivers the punchline image of the improbable, his becoming disembodied just in time to miss his own death. Perhaps the audience visualizes Mr. Allen's spirit springing from his body just in time. Simultaneously enough, his audience also has an aha experience of paradox. Mr. Allen forces the mind of his audience to reconcile the opposites of dying and not dying. Paradox can be funny that way.
3. suspense: By first mentioning the grave issue of death, Mr. Allen's version effectively triggers his audience to expect "the other shoe to drop" so to speak. The alternative version confuses the audience with the idea of not wanting to attend one's own funeral. This alternative could go in too many different directions. Maybe he doesn't want to hear the eulogy, or see certain people, or even hear the music chosen. The audience isn't given enough focus to have any expectations. They may be idly curious, but they are not effectively put in suspense.
4. syntax: Mr. Allen would have been grammatically correct in saying: Death doesn't scare me. But, his choice to end the first clause with TO DIE puts proper emphasis on his dying and not his being afraid. The punchline's success depends on the proper emphasis to set it up. The punchline works by suddenly swapping emphasis. At first, death seems to be the key detail. Then, just as the idea of fear begins to fade in the mind of the audience, suddenly it reveals itself to be the most important detail of all. Mr. Allen is so afraid that he can't even bear to watch.
5. tone: No humor is inherent in the alternative version. It states a personal truth in a matter of fact manner. No irony is set up. No rugs are being pulled out from under the audience. In contrast, Mr. Allen's version results in the aim to make his audience laugh. Mr. Allen is a master of irony, correspondingly even in his tone. So many other ways exist to express a fear of death. Mr. Allen chooses understatement. He speaks of his own death as if it were no more serious than his wife being served their divorce papers. What we fear most we speak of in the vaguest terms or not at all. The more understated Mr. Allen can be about his own death, we know the more afraid of it he really is.
6. tragicomedy: No tragedy or comedy is the driving force behind the alternative version. Some would say that its effect is anti-climactic, first the person dies and then the person worries about it. In contrast, Mr. Allen's version functions according to the principles of tragicomedy: an unexpected happy ending to what might have been a terrible catastrophe. One possible expectation resulting from being informed that someone is not afraid to die is that someone might have just been handed a death sentence, a fatal prognosis. Rather, how delightful to fall victim to Mr. Allen's joke.

So, have I killed the frog yet? For as E. B. White once said: Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

Now that I have demonstrated how the structure of sentences that appear in isolation depends on the relative importance and function of the details inside them, I will move on to sentences that appear in the context of greater works, in Part 2 of this article.

As a mental note to both my readers and myself, I will make my transition from single sentence to greater unit of sentences by remarking on the non-verbalized greater context of Mr. Allen's "ironicisms".

More houses and industry, or nature?

Given:

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The Sample Essay Draft Step by Step

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.

I can't live without nature.

2. Generate supportive body topics.

I get the best food from wild plants and animals. I breathe the cleanest air in the wilderness. I drink the cleanest water in the wilderness.

3. Develop body details.

I get the best food from wild plants and animals. They are my source of super nutrients, such as omega six and omega nine. I have read many articles documenting that these essential fatty acids are lacking in corn-fed livestock. I have also read many articles documenting that cultivated vegetables and fruits have been altered to be less fibrous and sweeter than their wild counterparts. The more sugar and less fiber I consume, the more I gain weight and suffer fatigue.

I breathe the cleanest air in the wilderness. In my experience, my allergies and other respiratory problems disappear when I am away from urban or even suburban developed areas. I think the air is not only cleaner because in the wilderness I am away from gas exhaust and micro-particulate, but also because so much foliage acts as a natural filter.

I drink the cleanest water in the wilderness, If I am lucky enough to get far away from urban household and industrial waste water, then I don't have to worry about heavy metal contamination or persistent organic pollutants. I can drink water that falls from a clean sky and percolates through porous rock. What would I need a filter for?

4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.

So my first content paragraph details logically follow from their topic sentence, I revise my topic sentence: I get the best food from wild animals and plants. Also, using transitions, such as first, second, and finally, would improve reader navigation.

5. Formulate thesis sentence.

I prioritize conservation of natural areas over development for housing and industry because I get the best food from wild animals and plants, I breathe the cleanest air, and drink the cleanest water in the wilderness.

6. Draft introduction.

Every time I see a bulldozer knocking down trees and digging deep holes for another Mcmansion, apartment complex, shopping center, or factory, I lose my temper. I pass by so many empty buildings that could be recycled. And I fear for my own health. I prioritize conservation of natural areas over development for housing and industry because I get the best food from wild animals and plants, I breathe the cleanest air, and drink the cleanest water in the wilderness.

7. Draft conclusion.

I am a conservationist because I can't stay healthy eating factory foods, breathing foul air, and drinking toxic water. My brain and body depend on the varied and balanced nutrition that comes from organisms only in complete ecosystems, the wilderness. The more fumes and micro-particulate I breathe, the sicker my lungs and heart get. The more toxins I take in from both unnatural air and water, the less my kidneys and liver are able to keep up their filtering jobs and I am poisoned to death over time. I can't live without nature.

8. Proofread.

Every time I see a bulldozer knocking down trees and digging deep holes for another Mcmansion, apartment complex, shopping center, or factory, I lose my temper. I pass by so many empty buildings that could be recycled. And[,] I fear for my own health. I prioritize conservation of natural areas over development for housing and industry because I get the best food from wild animals and plants, [breathe] the cleanest air, and drink the cleanest water in the wilderness.

I get the best food from wild plants and animals. They are my source of super nutrients, such as omega six and omega nine. I have read many articles documenting that these essential fatty acids are lacking in corn-fed livestock. I have also read many articles documenting that cultivated vegetables and fruits have been altered to be less fibrous and sweeter than their wild counterparts. The more sugar and less fiber I consume, the more I gain weight and suffer fatigue.

I breathe the cleanest air in the wilderness. In my experience, my allergies and other respiratory problems disappear when I am away from urban or even suburban developed areas. I think the air is not only cleaner because in the wilderness I am away from gas exhaust and micro-particulate, but also because so much foliage acts as a natural filter.

I drink the cleanest water in the wilderness[.] If I am lucky enough to get far away from urban household and industrial waste water, then I don't have to worry about heavy metal contamination or persistent organic pollutants. I can drink water that falls from a clean sky and percolates through porous rock. What would I need a filter for?

I am a conservationist because I can't stay healthy eating factory foods, breathing foul air, and drinking toxic water. My brain and body depend on the varied and balanced nutrition that comes from organisms only in complete ecosystems, the wilderness. The more fumes and micro-particulate I breathe, the sicker my lungs and heart get. The more toxins I take in from both unnatural air and water, the less my kidneys and liver are able to keep up their filtering jobs and I am poisoned to death over time. I can't live without nature.

The Test of English as a Banal Language

Do you teach for TOEBL (the Test of English as a Banal Language)? Or, are you studying to pass it? I mean banal, as in trite, hackneyed, clichéd, platitudinous, stale, stereotyped, and dull. As an ESL teacher, I ask this question after attempting to model for my students five level-five responses to TOEFL independent essay prompts. As an English student, I'd had many teachers, beyond the one-armed Mr. Dougherty back in middle school, program my mind with the same mantra: Show, don't tell. So, what better way to help ESL students pass the independent essay section than show them how it is done? Give them a formula and then demonstrate how to follow it.

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However, while I am proud of trying out writing assignments myself before teaching how to do them, I am now even more disgusted with the standardized writing test that has become as ubiquitous as those square robin's-egg-blue covered composition booklets (I know I am showing my age here) in both native and non-native English classes. Some know the aforementioned writing standard as the five-paragraph essay. Some teachers have attended meetings with each other where they have lowered their heads and conceded that this formula is basically useless except as training wheels for beginning composition writers and composition test takers. Where in the artistic or commercial world of writing have anglophiles seen The Formula, applied, get past a market-savvy editor?

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By this point my readers today should have a clear enough idea of what I am talking about and why. I will move on to my thesis statement: The independent essay section of the TOEFL contributes to the proliferation of banal writing via the way the prompts are phrased and its thirty-minute time limit.

According to my thesis, I suspect my readers anticipate only two content development paragraphs, not three, and some are wincing already at this violation of The Formula. However, I will develop three topics of content, beginning with some emphasis on the phenomenon of the proliferation of banal writing. Ultimately, only the universe knows the true cause of banal writing and all I am doing is some near-sighted finger-pointing in not-very-zen-like exasperation. After over two decades of being strong-armed by the Texas, New Jersey, and Virginia state boards of education to devote months of classroom time every year to what in grad school at the University of Texas, El Paso, Dr. David Schwalm had called “teaching to the test”, I left the classroom more than a little exasperated.

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Eventually and hungrily, my zealot's faith in the internet's promise to save the world led me to log on as a Smarthinking tutor, paid by the hour to guide college and graduate students in passing their essay and report assignments, and their thesis and dissertation boards. Because when someone's confidentiality is at stake one can't always “show”, my readers today will have to take my word for it that the stacks of stale virtual-paper banalities passing across my Windows desktop every day was suffocating. And, though they could be deleted, they could not be helped. The mediocrity did not begin with the student. It began with the assignments that were not first tested by their givers, to say the least.

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To say more, those English 101 assignments were routinely phrased in a way that set the stage for perhaps four to eight more college years of banality. The TOEFL independent essay prompts typify this misdirection. For example, given: “Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: People should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.” Now, let's see what happens when even a degreed writer is prompted to write about “people”, those faceless, ageless, sexless stick figures most notorious for their role in the game of hangman. One writer fastens the following first-sentence-hook to reel readers in and play them like tuna: “Life is challenging.” Oh well, it is probably just a poor, off-shore educated fool who tested out of the foundational course that indoctrinates freshmen in the seven steps to becoming a more scintillating writer, right? But, what if the ESL graduate has a web site that presumes to teach non-native speakers how to pass the TOEFL independent essay test? (See i-courses.org.)

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A comprehensive critique of the complete offending sample essay is beyond the scope of this article. I will "rip it a new one" in a future post. Instead, here I will annotate an adequate number of TOEFL prompts to help substantiate my implied assertion that banality is a successful meme. 1) “Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.” Preparing food is challenging. 2) “Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.” Budgeting for school athletics and literacy is challenging. 3) “People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use specific examples and details to support your answer.” Work is challenging.

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There, that takes care of the first sentence to any essay that comes between me and my dream job supervising all the people who are better writers than I am. (Now for the template sentences that get me to my template thesis....) Though, in all fairness, I must applaud every TOEFL prompt that features the following component: “Which do you prefer?” Hey, you talking to me? However, the template's “use specific reasons and examples”, no matter how varied the syntax, perhaps because of its very predictability, seems to go right over the head of a hack, so I implore those at the top of the ETS heap to scrap all the “people” in favor of “you” and “your”, to snap sophomoric writers' heads out of their rhinestone vocabulary bling belly buttons.

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What was my final content topic? I've been writing so long now I can't remember. Oh yes, the imposed thirty-minute time limit. How my heart sinks for every creative writer, both dormant and self-actualized, who encounters such compelling topics as parenting, environmentalism, friendship, animal welfare, urban planning, technology, and government spending. These frustrated poets and philosophers must be frothing at the mouth to be channeled and acknowledged, only to be either subjugated to IKEA-assembly of mass produced particle board, nuts, and bolts verbiage, or to repeat the old adage “Ya want fries with that” ad nauseam (as in “you are breathing borrowed air” and not the role play card game).

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Heaven help those who don't even know that an essay in first person singular point of view is not only permitted, it has been proven by such greats as Jack London, Montaigne, Zora Neale Hurston, and Erma Bombeck. But, once divinely helped, given a prompt about friends or family, what truly gifted writer would pluck prematurely while conjuring Aunt Mimi the opera singer or Huxley the standard poodle before the complete ripening of a metaphor? Endless hours of classroom time, either face to face or virtual, tick by in thirty minute mini-ordeals, so that the dullards may master writing by numbers, and the effervescent may reward themselves for swallowing their poetic pride with a spiked Dr. Pepper during break.

At the risk of committing a first person crime, defined by Tracy Kidder's The Best American Essays 1994, partly as “Pretending to confess to their bad behavior, they revel in their colorfulness”, I ask, which is worse, over-the-top from the unbridled brilliant who eventually learn the difference between a coffee house rant and a company memo, or under-the-gun from the perfect spellers who would evaluate moon walks with a stop watch?

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Upon re-entry into the earth's atmosphere, albeit scorched by a self-indulgent passion, I am still tightly gripping my readers' hands, beseeching, as TOEFL teachers or students, please do whatever you can to fight the proliferation of banal writing. Write in first person about Uncle Elmo and the faded pink dashboard fleece. Conceal a copy of Allen Ginsberg's “Howl” among the pages of your TOEFL or SAT prep guide. Whether teaching or learning, try your hand at some TOEFL prompts, throw caution to the wind and develop two content topics into full sonatas instead of three two-sentence wonders in Stephen Hawkings's automaton voice, slander a personal friend or relative, confess to a fictitious crime committed among the aisles of a Dollar Store, live in a fraudulent city, identify the cheap fragrance your test scorers will wear, stack all those stick figure “people” together and burn them in effigy, exorcising all prosaic banality from the left cerebral hemispheres of your children and your children's children. You can keep your stop watch. You'll need it when you practice being perfectly mediocre for the TOEFL. But please, help me shield the collective immigrant mind from yet another meme of mediocrity.

P.S. My audio features the obsolete British pronunciation of the word, banal. I like it because it rhymes with anal.

Are pets really that good for us? Are we good for them?

Given:

Many people have a close relationship with their pets. These people treat their birds, cats, or other animals as members of their family. In your opinion, are such relationships good? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The Sample Essay Draft Step by Step

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.

How would you like to be a love slave?

2. Generate supportive body topics.

My treating animals like humans may be bad for the animal's well-being. My treating animals like humans may be bad for my social development.

3. Develop body details.

My treating animals like humans may be bad for the animal's well-being. I have had many pets in my life, but I stopped keeping them after I realized how much I had enslaved them. For example, my last pet, a big panther-looking black neutered male cat, died early because of restrictions as a pet owner I imposed on him. He died of urinary tract blockage. In the first half of his seven-year life, gradually I transformed him from an outdoor to an indoor cat because he tended to roam very far away from home, often crossing busy streets or getting into fights with other cats. However, as an indoor cat, he no longer had the luxury of frequent urination to mark territory as he would instinctively do. He knew he was restricted to the litter box. On an artificial diet of cat food, he was doomed to develop mineral crystals that ultimately caused such blockage that he would have to live with a catheter. On his verge of death, I yielded to the vet's recommendation that he be put to sleep and spared the agony of surgery, recovery, and life with a catheter bag.

My treating animals like humans may not only be bad for the animal's well-being, it may also be bad for my own social development. The decision to no longer keep pets was in fact a liberating one for me. For example, the pet I talked about in the previous paragraph had become an ideal companion for me at home, so much so that I was reluctant to go out unless necessary! Figgy, as I called him, slept in my bed, arose when I did, ate when I did, answered me whenever I addressed him by name, and he was always sitting by my front door when I opened it to enter and be welcomed by his sweet little voice. Many times more than I care to admit, I hurried home to be welcomed by him, and I suffered some separation anxiety if I was delayed. Those years, I lost many opportunities to bond with people, make new friends, learn how to love people who weren't totally at my mercy for food and friendship.

4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.

The order and topics look logical as they are. While composing my draft, I used the not-only-but-also construction to link my two topic sentences. I can use this construction in my thesis.

5. Formulate thesis sentence.

My treating animals like humans may not only be bad for the animal's well-being, it may also be bad for my own social development.

6. Draft introduction.

How can a person who has grown up with and lived with pets all her life suddenly turn against the practice? That is what I did. And now I ask, was living with pets as though they were members of my family a good thing? I don't think so. My treating animals like humans may not only be bad for the animal's well-being, it may also be bad for my own social development.

7. Draft conclusion.

I had grown up with and lived with pets my whole life as if they were members of my own family, but after the untimely death of my last pet, Figgy the cat, I suddenly turned against the practice and have remained pet free ever since. I look back at how much that cat and all the others before him seemed to love me, faithfully by my side anywhere at home. But now I know how much I prevented them from expressing their true animal instincts, the roaming and marking territory, for example. They were in fact my love slaves, totally at my mercy and definitely not free. And I enslaved myself by my attachment to them. Now, when anyone tells me they are thinking of buying or adopting a cat or dog, I ask them, how would you like to be the love slave of a human rather than free to be your own animal self?

8. Proofread.

How can a person who has grown up with and lived with pets all her life suddenly turn against the practice? That is what I did. And now I ask, was living with pets as though they were members of my [own]family a good thing? I don't think so. My treating animals like humans may not only be bad for the animal's well-being, it may also be bad for my own social development.

My treating animals like humans may be bad for the animal's well-being. I have had many pets in my life, but I stopped keeping them after I realized how much I had enslaved them. For example, my last pet, a big panther-looking black neutered male cat, died early because of restrictions as a pet owner I imposed on him. He died of urinary tract blockage. In the first half of his seven-year life, gradually I transformed him from an outdoor to an indoor cat because he tended to roam very far away from home, often crossing busy streets or getting into fights with other cats. However, as an indoor cat, he no longer had the luxury of frequent urination to mark territory as he would instinctively do. He knew he was restricted to the litter box. On an artificial diet of cat food, he was doomed to develop mineral crystals that ultimately caused such [a] blockage that he would have to live with a catheter. On his verge of death, I yielded to the vet's recommendation that he be put to sleep and spared the agony of surgery, recovery, and life with a catheter bag. [If he survived the ordeal.]

My treating animals like humans may not only be bad for the animal's well-being, it may also be bad for my own social development. The decision to no longer keep pets was in fact a liberating one for me. For example, the pet I talked about in the previous paragraph had become an ideal companion for me at home, so much so that I was reluctant to go out unless necessary! Figgy, as I called him, slept in my bed, arose when I did, ate when I did, answered me whenever I addressed him by name, and he was always sitting by my front door when I opened it to enter and be welcomed by his sweet little voice. Many times more than I care to admit, I hurried home to be welcomed by him, and I suffered some separation anxiety if I was delayed. Those years, I lost many opportunities to bond with people, make new friends, [and] learn how to love people who weren't totally at my mercy for food and friendship.

I had grown up with and lived with pets my whole life as if they were members of my own family, but after the untimely death of my last pet, Figgy the cat, I suddenly turned against the practice and have remained pet free ever since. I look back at how much that cat and all the others before him seemed to love me, faithfully by my side anywhere [in my] home. But now I know how much I prevented them from expressing their true animal instincts, the roaming and marking territory, for example. They were in fact my love slaves, totally at my mercy and definitely not free. And I enslaved myself by my attachment to them. Now, when anyone tells me they are thinking of buying or adopting a cat or dog, I ask them, how would you like to be the love slave of a [civilized] human rather than free to be your own animal self?

What have you learned about a country from watching its movies?

Given:

Films can tell us a lot about the country where they were made. What have you learned about a country from watching its movies? Use specific examples and details to support your response.

(You have only 30 minutes to draft and proofread your work!)

The Sample Essay Draft Step by Step

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.

As a country girl in the US, I would most likely be a country girl in Vietnam.

2. Generate supportive body topics.

Scent of Green Papaya showed me how Vietnamese city people can be disconnected from nature. Scent of Green Papaya showed me how Vietnamese country people can be connected to nature.

3. Develop body details.

Scent of Green Papaya showed me how Vietnamese city people can be disconnected from nature. The male children of the household were bored during their free time and resorted to pranks like spilling mop buckets and engulfing ants in candle wax for entertainment. The adult males hid in mosquito netted beds to practice music rather than enjoying their courtyard. The young pianist who saved the servant girl lost himself in his moody compositions regardless of the weather outside. While teaching the servant girl to read, he became preoccupied with the angle of her head. He could experience her beauty only through his drawings of her.

Scent of Green Papaya showed me how Vietnamese country people can be connected to nature. Bui, the servant girl, could absorb herself in the natural world at any moment, the song of the tree frog, the swish of a carp's tail, the pearly seeds of a green papaya. While being taught to read by the young pianist, she gasped in open delight at a reference to nature. In the filrm, while city people around her made art, Bui simply lived art.

4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.

The order and topics look logical as they are. However, I will mention here that as I drafted my first paragraph, I caught myself in an error. While I chose topic sentences that limited me to discussing only one type of character in each paragraph, in my first paragraph I began discussing another character. I had momentarily forgotten that I chose a structure to compare by type rather than point by point. It is mentally easier for me to discuss something point by point, but in this kind of short essay, point by point discussion would result in many short body paragraphs that would be difficult to reflect back to the thesis sentence. Short comparison contrast essays work better organized by type rather than point by point.

5. Formulate thesis sentence.

The Vietnamese film, Scent of Green Papaya, showed me how Vietnamese city people can be disconnected from nature while the country people can be connected to it.

6. Draft introduction.

Films can tell me a lot about the country where they were made. What have I learned about a country from watching its movies? I will use specific examples and details from a Vietnamese film to support my response. The Vietnamese film, Scent of Green Papaya, showed me how Vietnamese city people can be disconnected from nature while the country people can be connected to it.

7. Draft conclusion.

Scent of Green Papaya featured city characters who avoided direct contact with nature and its beauty, whereas it featured a country character who was constantly immersed in nature and part of its beauty. The city people stayed indoors occupied with music and art about the natural world outside while the country girl listened to the tree frog and meditated on the seeds of the papaya. I don't know how accurately this film depicts its country's city and country people. However, as a country girl in the US, I would most likely be a country girl in Vietnam.

8. Proofread.

Films can tell me a lot about the country where they were made. What have I learned about a country from watching its movies? I will use specific examples and details from a Vietnamese film to support my response. [I remember this film so well partly because the country girl in it reminded me of myself as a country girl.] The Vietnamese film, Scent of Green Papaya, showed me how Vietnamese city people can be disconnected from nature while the country people can be connected to it.

Scent of Green Papaya showed me how Vietnamese city people can be disconnected from nature. The male children of the household were bored during their free time and resorted to pranks like spilling mop buckets and engulfing ants in candle wax for entertainment. The adult males hid in mosquito netted beds to practice music rather than enjoying their courtyard. The young pianist who saved the servant girl lost himself in his moody compositions regardless of the weather outside. While teaching the servant girl to read, he became preoccupied with the angle of her head. He could experience her beauty only through his drawings of her. [These city people frustrated me, and I wanted to shout at them to go outside and work and play for a change.]

Scent of Green Papaya showed me how Vietnamese country people can be connected to nature. Bui, the servant girl, could absorb herself in the natural world at any moment, the song of the tree frog, the swish of a carp's tail, the pearly seeds of a green papaya. While being taught to read by the young pianist, she gasped in open delight at a reference to nature. In the [film], while city people around her made art, Bui simply lived art. [Bui is my kind of friend to spend time with.]

Scent of Green Papaya featured city characters who avoided direct contact with nature and its beauty, whereas it featured a country character who was constantly immersed in nature and part of its beauty. The city people stayed indoors occupied with music and art about the natural world outside while the country girl listened to the tree frog and meditated on the seeds of the papaya. I don't know how accurately this film depicts its country's city and country people. However, as a country girl in the US, I would most likely be a country girl in Vietnam.

Study alone?

Given:

Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of students. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(You have only 30 minutes to draft and proofread your work!)

The Formula:

See later:

eslwise easier essays (complete instructions for using a formula to save time while writing well)

See now:

Writing is a recursive process. Follow the steps below for the most efficient use of your writing time.

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.
2. Generate supportive body topics.
3. Develop body details.
4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.
5. Formulate thesis sentence.
6. Draft introduction.
7. Draft conclusion.
8. Proofread.

The Sample Essay Draft Step by Step

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.

If I want to learn to be a better person, I choose to study with others, but if I want to get a good grade, I choose to study alone.

2. Generate supportive body topics.

I've had bad group study experiences. I've had good solitary study experiences.

3. Develop body details.

I've had bad group study experiences. For example, when I was in a class about media law and ethics, I agreed to meet with three other classmates to review precedent court cases to be able to discuss them extensively in an essay test. Marcy, Raymond, and Hugh agreed to meet in the University of Texas Student Union at four pm. By five pm, only Marcy was still there, and we frantically copied each others notes among mustard and ketchup stains, often noticing that our notes weren't that much different, so not that helpful to each other.

I've had good solitary study experiences. For example, when I was in a class about electricity, at my own dining room table, I used a thick black felt tip pen on poster board and copied all the formulas and definitions I would need for the semester, such as Ohms Law, Resistance, Voltage, Current. I put this poster and others for other classes on the walls around my apartment, so alone, while eating or brushing my teeth, I could study.

4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.

The order and topics look logical as they are.

5. Formulate thesis sentence.

Studying with others and by myself have taught me I learn better alone.

6. Draft introduction.

If I have a big test coming up, which do I choose, to study with classmates or study by myself? I like the idea of making new friends and getting better at getting along with others, but if I am in school, I am there to master a subject more than to improve my social life. Studying with others and by myself have taught me I learn better alone.

7. Draft conclusion.

I learn better by myself without the distractions that others can cause. I'd rather spend time making posters than dodging blobs of mustard and ketchup. I love people, but I also love good grades. If I want to learn to be a better person, I choose to study with others, but if I want to get a good grade, I choose to study alone.

8. Proofread.

If I have a big test coming up, which do I choose, to study with classmates or study by myself? I like the idea of making new friends and getting better at getting along with others, but if I am in school, I am there to master a subject more than to improve my social life. Studying with others and by myself have taught me I learn better alone.

I've had bad group study experiences. For example, when I was in a class about media law and ethics, I agreed to meet with three other classmates to review precedent court cases to be able to discuss them extensively in an essay test. Marcy, Raymond, and Hugh agreed to meet in the University of Texas Student Union at four pm. By five pm, only Marcy was still there, and we frantically copied each others['] notes among mustard and ketchup stains, often noticing that our notes weren't that much different, so not that helpful to each other.

I've had good solitary study experiences. For example, when I was in a class about electricity, at my own dining room table, I used a thick black felt tip pen on poster board and copied all the formulas and definitions I would need for the semester, such as Ohms Law, Resistance, Voltage, Current. I put this poster and others for other classes on the walls around my apartment, so alone, while eating or brushing my teeth, I could study.

I learn better by myself without the distractions that others can cause. I'd rather spend time making posters than dodging blobs of mustard and ketchup. I love people, but I also love good grades. If I want to learn to be a better person, I choose to study with others, but if I want to get a good grade, I choose to study alone.

Parents are the best teachers?

This tutorial is taken from my easier essays page.

Directions:

"If you don't know where you are going, you might end up somewhere else."--Anonymous

1. PRACTICE DRILL: QUICKLY GENERATE STRONG OPINIONS: Read a TOEFL Writing topic from the list below. Immediately respond in a single, short, personal sentence to express your personal truth. For example, I read:
   • Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
   I write my own relevant personal truth: I am my own best teacher.
2. Check if your personal truth matches your assigned topic. So far, mine does. My truth is how I disagree with the statement.
3. Repeat number one and two above until you can quickly consistently produce a single, short, personal sentence that responds to the writing prompt (topic).
4. Your personal truth will be the final sentence of your essay. You will know where you are going in your writing. Now select one personal truth to practice developing into an essay. I will work with mine to demonstrate.
5. GENERATE SUPPORTIVE BODY TOPICS: Think of three ways to support your personal truth as it relates to the writing prompt. My three ways are:
   • I learned from my parents only by choice.
   • How can only two imperfect people always know what is best for the whole life of another?
   • What if children in fact are their parents' best teacher?
6. DEVELOP BODY DETAILS: Now it is time to write some details to see what we actually have to work with. We will decide the order of the body paragraphs AFTER we finish their details. I will demonstrate details for my body paragraphs (tap or mouseover blank to reveal mode):
   • I learned from my parents by choice. For example, my dad wanted me to learn to ride a bike with training wheels. But, I did not like how the bike wobbled. Even as a little girl, I knew my balance was still bad. One day, I watched the parent of a friend put my friend on a big bike on top of a grassy hill. Mrs. Slack let Terry go and Terry did not fall. The bike rolled naturally, and at the bottom of the hill, Terry had found her balance. She rode in a big circle in the yard below. I asked them if I could try. For me, the bike also rolled naturally down. I went home to tell my dad that Mrs. Slack taught me how to ride a bike. The lesson was ultimately my choice. (Comparison/Contrast, Description)
   • How can only two imperfect people always know what is best for the whole life of another? For example, my mom taught my brother and me to cook spaghetti. However, years later I had to stop eating wheat because I was allergic. My brother still eats lots of wheat spaghetti and he has health problems. He will not get tested for the allergy. Maybe our mom taught him a bad habit. Also, our dad taught us that beer tasted good. He gave us sips when we were little and we saw him drink it every weekend. He did not warn us how addicting it is. I drank too much beer in college. It was very hard to give it up later even when it was giving me headaches. (Cause/Effect)
   • What if children in fact are their parents' best teacher? From me, our mom learned to use cell phones, video players, computers, and smart televisions. From my brother, my dad learned that he had a worse temper than he thought he did. Once my brother accidently set a bale of hay on fire. Our dad threw my brother across the barn and punched him. Our dad learned that sometimes parents punish their kids because they are actually angry at themselves. Dad apologized when he realized the fire was not intentional. (Classification)
7. ORGANIZE PARAGRAPH ORDER AND EMBED TRANSITIONS: Now let's see how our body paragraphs relate to each other. At this time we can also work on our transitions. After looking, I see that my beer headache detail naturally leads to my topic about choice. And, I see that my bike story naturally leads to my topic about teaching parents. I will use more meaningful transitions than FIRST, SECOND, and FINALLY. I will reorder my paragraphs as 1) beer story, 2) bike story, 3) angry story. And this is how my transitions will work:
   • The last sentence of my beer story: I could learn better from my parents if I could choose only the good lessons.
   • The last sentence of my bike story: Now if I were my dad's mom, I could teach him to find his own balance.
   • The last sentence of my angry story: Who was really doing the teaching?
8. FORMULATE THESIS: Now that the entire body of our essay is done, we know our topics and their order, so we are FINALLY ready to write our thesis statement. Here is mine: My parents did not always know what was best for me, could not choose for me, and often learned from me, instead.
9. DRAFT INTRODUCTION: While our thesis is still fresh in our minds, we can introduce it, and fulfill the purpose of the introduction paragraph. Here is my introduction:
   • Are parents the best teachers? Let's look at mine. I will show you that sometimes they were not. Even though I consider them to be the most cherished and important people in my life, they were my parents and not my best teachers. This is true in three ways. My parents did not always know what was best for me, could not choose for me, and often learned from me, instead.
10. DRAFT CONCLUSION: We are on our final step in the composition process: drafting our conclusion paragraph. It will need a transition, a topic sentence that summarizes our thesis, at least three sentences that summarize our details, and our parting personal truth statement. Here is my conclusion:
    • In the previous paragraphs, I have defined good teachers as people who know what is best for me, can make better choices for me, and can teach me better than I can teach myself. My parents did not always fulfill these qualifications. I learned to ride a bike from a parent, but I chose my best lesson from a parent not my own. Our parents did not teach us what was best to eat and drink. Our parents made mistakes, often out of anger. But, now I realize that maybe there is no such thing as a best teacher. Or, maybe for me there is only one option: I am my own best teacher.
11. PROOFREAD: Go back over your writing to make any corrections. A good trick is to read each sentence from last to first, to see what is really there instead of what you expect to be there. Use the ETS scoring rubric for guidance: RUBRIC.

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy?

Given:

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice. 
(You get only 30 minutes to draft and proofread your work!)

The Formula: 

See later:
eslwise easier essays (complete instructions for using a formula to save time while writing well)

See now:
Writing is a recursive process. Follow the steps below for the most efficient use of your writing time.

1. Quickly generate a strong opinion.
2. Generate supportive body topics.
3. Develop body details.
4. Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.
5. Formulate thesis sentence.
6. Draft introduction.
7. Draft conclusion.
8. Proofread.

 

The Example Draft:

Note: TOEFL essays are completed in 30 minutes and should be about 300 words long. These limitations do not produce masterpieces. Do not try to impress with your intelligence. Do not be a perfectionist. Avoid abstract sweeping generalizations and the advanced language they require. Keep it simple, personal, and vivid. 

Quickly generate a strong opinion.

Minding my own business includes my own house.

(This will be the very last sentence of my essay, so now I have a goal to write toward and I can plan my steps to get there.)

 

Generate supportive body topics. 

I buy houses with my career in mind.
To most fully integrate my professional and home life, I came up with my own version of Feng Shui.
My typical day includes many domestic tasks that I make work for my career.

 

Develop body details.

I buy houses with my career in mind. I teach English conversation on the internet. The more locations around my house where I can work with my students,  the longer hours I can work and the more inspired I am to help make meaningful conversation. My current house has my primary work space in what is supposed to be the kitchen dining area. This way, I can mind my cooking while working. I chose a house that has a bar rather than a wall between the cooking and eating areas. My current house is in a warm climate and has a large private lush back yard. On most days, I can take a portable device out there. I don't worry about my voice disturbing my neighbors. Being among the azaleas, bamboo, live oaks, and one hundred foot tall pine trees gives me something to marvel at while I focus on tedious details like my students' pronunciation problems.

To most fully integrate my professional and home life, I came up with my own version of Feng Shui, a theory of orienting and arranging one's life to allow the best flow of energy. In a previous house I wanted to leave for a better location, I strategically placed mirrors throughout. When I was finished, every wall opposite a doorway had a mirror that pulled a person through. Wherever I would have liked an extra window to the outside, I placed a mirror. The other thing I did was convert to a stand up office environment for work. Suddenly my body was much more free to come and go at my computer, and I quickly lost all my excess weight. My mirrors and standing desk empowered me to quickly get my life in enough control that I could move to a better geographic location.

My typical day includes many domestic tasks that I make work for my career. (I am running out of time, so I choose to discard this third content topic. The development of my first two topics adequately support my position.)

 

Organize paragraph order and embed transitions.

Because my second body paragraph concludes with the statement about moving to a better geographic location, I decide that it will naturally flow into a concluding paragraph, so I leave the order as is.

I already have my transitions in place. My topic sentences come directly from my thesis, so my reader can easily recognize what details will follow. I use introductory prepositional phrases such as "this way", "on most days", and I repeat certain grammatical patterns, such as "my current house", so my reader can anticipate what kinds of details to encounter.

 

Formulate thesis sentence.

I take my topic sentences and put them together in a way that defines all my supportive details:

Topic sentences:
I buy houses with my career in mind.
To most fully integrate my professional and home life, I came up with my own version of Feng Shui.

Thesis sentence: I both buy and set up houses with my home business in mind. 

I go back and revise my second topic sentence to more accurately reflect my thesis:
To set up my house to fully integrate my professional and home life, I came up with my own version of Feng Shui.

 

Draft introduction.

 
The paragraph:
I have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would I choose to buy? Let's say I need both, so this might be a tough choice. However, to save money, I could live in my office or work from my home. I have heard that more and more people are doing this nowadays. And it just so happens that is what I already do. I telecommute. My home business is my reality. I both buy and set up houses with my home business in mind.

The explanation:
The best introductions hook readers with the first sentence. Readers can be hooked by well stated problems that they can see themselves having. So, revising the TOEFL problem prompt for first-person grammar gets this job done quickly and easily. The only thing left to do is fill in the gap between the first sentence and the thesis sentence. This process requires some additional information about the writer, just enough information to help readers make the connection between the problem in the first sentence and the proposed solution in the thesis sentence.

 

Draft conclusion.

Pre-writing:
Look again at the very last sentence of the essay written as the very first step in the writing process: Minding my own business includes my own house. Think about leading up to these last words. Follow the rule of thumb for writing a good introduction: Begin with a sentence that reminds readers of the original thesis.

The paragraph container:
I both buy and set up houses with my home business in mind. Minding my own business includes my own house.

The filled out paragraph:
I both buy and set up houses with my home business in mind. Spaces like kitchens and backyards must allow me to teach English online in them. I can cook or enjoy beautiful scenery while I work. Spaces must give and not take my energy. Things like windows and mirrors are empowering. Standing rather than sitting is empowering. If a house and location works for me, I can stay and get a lot done, but if a house could be better, I can leave it easily. Minding my own business includes my own house. 

 

Proofread.

 

Pre-writing:
Stitch together all the paragraphs in preparation for proofreading. Proofread not only for mechanical problems, but also for word choice.

The complete draft (see revisions in bold brackets):
I have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would I choose to buy? Let's say I need both, so this might be a tough choice. However, to save money, I could live in my office or work from my home. I have heard that more and more people are doing this nowadays. And it just so happens that is what I already do. I telecommute. My home business is my reality. I both buy and set up houses with my home business in mind.

I buy houses with my career in mind. I teach English conversation on the internet. The more locations around my house where I can work with my students,  the longer hours I can work and the more inspired I am to help make meaningful conversation. My current house has my primary work space in what is supposed to be the kitchen[-]dining area. This way, I can mind my cooking while working. I chose a house that has a bar rather than a wall between the cooking and eating areas. [So, I can smell and hear what is on the stove and save a hamburger before it turns black.] My current house is in a warm climate and has a large private lush back yard. On most days, I can take a portable device out there. I don't worry about my voice disturbing my neighbors. Being among the [white, orange, and pink] azaleas, [swaying and whispering] bamboo, [fern covered] live oaks, and one hundred foot tall pine trees gives me something to marvel at while I focus on tedious details like my students' pronunciation problems. [And, my various backdrops give my students more to talk about, too.] [I am a professional in my own home.]

To most fully integrate my professional and home life, I came up with my own version of Feng Shui, a theory of orienting and arranging one's life to allow the best flow of energy. In a previous house [that] I wanted to leave for a better location [in a warmer more natural setting], I strategically placed mirrors throughout. When I was finished, every wall opposite a doorway had a mirror that pulled a person [along]. Wherever I would have liked an extra window to the outside, I [also] placed a mirror. The other thing I did was convert to a stand up office environment for work. Suddenly my body was much more free to come and go at my computer, and I quickly lost all my excess weight. My mirrors and standing desk empowered me to quickly get my life in enough control that I could move to a better geographic location. [Sometimes I buy to set up, but other times I set up to buy.]

I both buy and set up houses with my home business in mind. Spaces like kitchens and backyards must allow me to teach English online in them. I can cook or enjoy beautiful scenery while I work[, and my students find me more interesting, too.] Spaces must give and not take my energy. Things like windows and mirrors are empowering. Standing rather than sitting is empowering. If a house and location works for me, I can stay and get a lot done, but if a house could be better, I can leave it easily. Minding my own business includes [minding] my own house.

The explanation:
I check every sentence for how well I am guiding and engaging my readers. Sometimes I need to add words to be more explicit. The toughest part of writing for other people is seeing our writing through the eyes of readers who don't know all our thoughts that we take for granted. Mostly, we need to work extra hard to help readers see the connections between our main points, and the connections between our points and our details. Part of this work includes adding details that appeal to our readers' senses, specific sights, sounds, names, and actions.